I’d like to begin by clearly stating my intention behind writing this. My intention with this statement is to tell my story and to share my truth, in hopes that I can raise awareness on sexual grooming, trauma-bonding and other tactics that predators use to lure their victims. I want to help others who have been through similar experiences, and for those who haven’t, I want to help them understand and have more empathy and compassion for people who have lived through it. It’s extremely mentally challenging and painful to have to be this vulnerable and live through this again. But if I can help even one person, it is worth it.
This account of my story is going to be as brief as I can make it—because time is of the essence. I feel like I’ve been given no choice but to relive this trauma because Bikram Choudhury is scheduled to appear in Vancouver less than a month from now.
My story starts here:
In the Spring of 2010, I was granted special permission by Bikram Choudhury himself to attend his gruelling nine week teaching training course three years below the age limit (which was 21). It was my first time being on my own, away from my friends and family for an extended period of time. Bikram Choudhury then proceeded to brain-wash, manipulate and assault me using several common tactics, the main one being “sexual grooming”.
I was 18 years old in 2010. If this had happened less than 1 year prior I would have been a child. An 18yo girl is no match for a 65yo man in an incredible position of power—let alone one who is a serial predator and has practiced his tactics on several other women.
The first time Bikram got me into his hotel room and raped me was June 2nd 2010. In order to trick me into thinking I might be safe, he invited another trainee up to the room with us—I thought we were going to give him a massage (weird but not abnormal for those who are familiar with his antics). He quickly dismissed the other woman once we were in the room. The second we were alone, he whipped out his dick and forcefully tried to shove it in my face. I held my hands up and said “NO. I don’t want this.” Firmly. Multiple times, multiple ways. He relentlessly continued to beg and pressure me for hours on end. I kept telling him why I didn’t want to and he kept trying to pressure me anyway. I remember thinking so many times, “I should just grab my shoes and run out of the room”—but that would mean potentially angering him, being kicked out of training, and getting ostracized from the entire community that I loved so deeply. Bikram’s grooming tactics can easily be compared to the tactics of a family member that would groom a child or a young person:
Discovering (on my own) at teacher training in 2010 that Bikram was a predator was heartbreaking. Completely devastating. I didn’t want anyone else in the Bikram “family” to feel the shock and unbelievable disappointment that they had dedicated their love, lives and a HUGE chunk of their finances to this man. Not to mention my other huge fear was that no one would believe me—no allegations against Bikram were public. On top of that, having only been in the community a year and a half, I hadn’t even heard any rumours. I feared that it would be so difficult and painful for the community to accept (just like it was for me) that they would call me a liar. I knew I had to keep quiet to maintain the beautiful, happy yoga community that I loved so much. My new “family.”
I felt an indescribable amount of guilt and shame for ‘giving in’ due to fear when he had me in his suite. I was exhausted having been awake for almost 24 hours and had also been begging him not to make me do it for hours before I lost the strength and courage to fight back anymore. I had never heard of “sexual grooming”, the #metoo movement had yet to happen, and I blamed myself for not being brave enough to refuse. I blamed myself for giving in. For not fighting back harder. I felt like it was my fault and I felt completely alone. I actually didn’t think of it as ‘rape’ at the time because I was so young and confused—my young brain had literally been manipulated to make me feel at fault. I hated myself. I was disgusted with myself. I had no idea what to do and was dealing with a horrific amount of shame. I was completely lost and felt like I was living a lie. A lie that I could never reveal without losing everything. So in order to cope, I decided to give up everything. I had to break up with my beloved partner due to guilt and shame. Then, I decided to dedicate my entire life to Bikram. He had already taken everything away from me so why not? I had to convince myself and the world that he was a good person so that living this lie wouldn’t be so painful. ‘Giving up my life’ for Bikram was a completely backwards, messed up coping mechanism.
I am ashamed to say I went back to visit and work for him several times between 2010 - 2013. Again, it was a weird irrational way of coping with the trauma—pretending everything was fine and working my way up within the community. The first few times I went back, I had plans to confront him. I wanted to tell him (and also show him, as I had developed an eating disorder from his abuse and it was a way of wearing my pain on my sleeve) that he hurt me—but anytime I was alone in a room with him, he would immediately grab me with such force and aggression that I would get scared and freeze up. He would pin me down and I would just disassociate and follow his demands in a trance. There were several more incidents of sexual assault in the times I went back to him—and each time I never wanted it yet I never felt safe enough to refuse and fight back. He knew that. Each time I froze up and “let” him rape me, I felt more and more shame and fell deeper into silence.
Bikram was also often VERY cold to me over the years—calling me fat, calling me gross, disgusting…sometimes he would do it immediately after raping me, sometimes he would do it in front of 400 people at training. As a result of this, I developed an eating disorder.
Bikram’s hot and cold attitude fuelled a need inside me for validation—he had me so wrapped around his finger, I went back to be a staff-member at another 9-week teacher training in the Spring of 2011. I stuck to a strict diet of 300 calories a day leading up to the start date—I wanted to look sick. I thought that might be the only way he’d realize he is hurting me. At that training, I finally worked up the courage to tell another staff member what was going on (although I still wasn’t ready or educated enough to use the word “rape”). That staff-member and I developed a relationship and I felt like he was protecting me. Then Bikram found out about the relationship and my newfound love was coincidentally kicked out for supposedly “playing music too loud”—although I have no doubt in mind that the real reason for kicking him out was that Bikram didn’t want me in a relationship. He wanted me all to himself—isolated and alone. I couldn’t bear being at teacher training without my ‘protector’—I was devastated. So I left 3 weeks early (less than a week after my ex was kicked out) leaving only a brief note and nothing else. I wish that was the end of it, I wish that was my final exit—my final “F!@# you Bikram!”…but I was suffering from C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder). C-PTSD “comes in response to chronic traumatization over the course of months or, more often, years“ (3). This article also perfectly outlines some victim’s relationships to their abusers when suffering C-PTSD:
One more important final note from the C-PTSD article:
This article repeats several times that C-PTSD most often happens in childhood but not exclusively—when my trauma began I was 18 years old. I really want to drive home how young I was. In a court of law, I wouldn’t have to defend myself or explain any of the decisions I made if I had merely been 1 year younger, what does that tell you?
Again, I wish that my exit from teacher training staff in 2011 was my final exit from this horrible experience, but I was trauma-bonded to Bikram and C-PTSD had a strong hold on me. Instead of feeling “free”, by leaving training, I felt like I betrayed him and that he must hate me, and that feeling was awful, especially after what he’d already taken from me. Just like the C-PTSD article states, I “held a longing for my abuser just to love me.”
So I wrote him a letter. I wrote it in such a traumatized fog that I don’t really remember everything I wrote—but I know it was full of awkward, cringey, untrue statements about how he saved my life, how I love him, and I’m grateful for him—and god knows what else (well unfortunately apparently more people than god know but I’ll get to that in a minute). The letter was clearly a result of “Trauma Bonding” which I mentioned earlier.
The letter was a sad attempt for validation. I wanted Bikram—and only Bikram—to read the letterand I couldn’t risk it being intercepted by sending it in the mail. So I gave it to someone I thought I could trust, someone who was close to Bikram. I gave it in confidence to my favourite teacher and friend of Bikram, whom I’ll refer to as Chris, and begged him not to read it—“just give it to Bikram” I said. I remember this clearly. I believe this would have taken place in 2012 but I can’t be sure. I never saw the letter or read it again, and a part of me actually forgot it existed. That was until last Thursday, Jan 19th 2023, when the director of the Canada Yoga Sports Federation, whom I’ll refer to as Chip, sent me a picture of it.
[Side note: The letter was typed, so in a perfect world I would still have it saved on a laptop somewhere but my laptop crashed in 2014 and I lost almost everything. I only mention this because I absolutely would’ve presented my lawyers this letter as evidence if I had it, or even remembered it existed, but I didn’t.]
Why does Chip have it? I don’t know. Did Chris give it to him? Did Chris ever actually give it to Bikram? I don’t know. I don’t know anything—I don’t even know if Chip has the letter or just a picture. Why did he send a picture of it to me? Well the day before, a friend of mine and reliable source alerted me to the fact that Bikram is coming to Vancouver, the city where I live, and Chip is apparently responsible for orchestrating the event. Receiving that information sent me spiralling into despair for multiple reasons. The source sent me the event poster, and I was disgusted that they were hiding his name and just calling him “Boss” instead of Bikram Choudhury. I can only wonder if the reason they hid his name has to do with the hundreds of articles that are out there covering his abuse. I wonder if it’s because he has been found guilty of sexual harassment in a court of law and settled out of court 5 other sexual assault cases. I wonder if it’s because there is an in-depth podcast AND a Netflix documentary called “Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator” about him and his abuse.
The thought of him in my city, taking money from people who may not even understand who he is and teaching yoga to them is deplorable and unacceptable. I can’t bear it. I commented on the advertisement Chip posted on his own facebook page with a link to an article revealing Bikram is a predator as a way to spread awareness. I also shared the ad on my facebook page with a warning to everyone. I got a friend to post on Reddit too, on the r/Vancouver page and it was met with quite the out-cry…but it hasn’t been enough. The Vancouver Sun ran an article too, but it didn’t get much attention. In a fit of rage, I impulsively sent Chip a message on Friday morning telling him that I wouldn’t let him bring Bikram to my city without putting up a fight. I swore at him as well. I was furious. A part of me regrets the hostility of my language, as it rarely helps to be needlessly aggressive but I think anyone could understand my state of mind in that moment.
Chip’s reply was a picture of the envelope containing the trauma-bonded letter I wrote (on which I had included a picture of Bikram and I—because he would be so cold to me sometimes that I literally thought he might’ve forgotten who I was by then without a picture) and then Chip followed up with an image of the last paragraph of the letter. I thought about sharing screenshots of the conversation between Chip and I in another post but I haven’t yet. To say I was mortified would be an understatement. Like I said, I wrote this letter in a place of deep pain, trauma and confusion. I know in my heart that my true soul didn’t mean the words I wrote, or at least most of them. Not in the way they appear. I know in my heart that no matter what the letter says it doesn’t negate my experience, it doesn’t disprove what happened to me, and it in no way proves that I am a liar. If anything the letter just showcases how utterly messed up and confused I was. Bikram, the self-proclaimed “master-manipulator” had me completely wrapped around his finger. I would have been 19 or 20 by the time I wrote it, writing to a 67 year old man who had been grooming, brain-washing and assaulting me for 2 years. Of course the letter probably says some really weird things that would be confusing to people who don’t understand sexual grooming. That is why I’m here to educate.
Chip then said, in addition to the two images of the letter:
“Please explain this letter after the supposed incident. Let the world decide when they see both sides of the coin. What I do know is that there are no criminal charges. I’ll wait 24h to hear your response then reach out to my lawyers to see what steps to take next”.
Now whether or not it was actually the case, my initial reaction to this message was that I was being threatened. To me, it insinuates that if I continue to “put up a fight” about Chip bringing Bikram to Vancouver, he is going to “expose” this intimate, humiliating letter to the world in an attempt to discredit me. He may deny that this was his intention because he didn’t say those words specifically. But it’s hard to understand what else his intention could’ve been. I felt sick. It felt like all the trauma I experienced during those years came flooding back at once and punched me in the face. Frankly, I haven’t felt THAT violated since Bikram first sexually assaulted me in 2010. When I was 18 years old.
I didn’t feel sick because I felt like I’d be exposed as a liar—I know in my heart I’ve never lied about my experience. It was just an extreme and horrific violation of my privacy. Imagine someone threatening to expose a super embarrassing diary entry from when you were in high school—and times that by 1000. I couldn’t eat, sleep or think of anything else for days—I’m actually still struggling. And although I don’t know if what Chip did and said falls into the category of blackmail (like I suggest to him in our conversation) it strongly feels that way. It feels like I’m being ‘blackmailed’ in exchange for silence—forced compliance if you will. It feels like I have to choose between letting Bikram waltz into my city and put people in harm’s way, OR be publicly humiliated while trying to stop it.
It f!@#ing sucks. But I’m choosing potential public humiliation because keeping people safe matters more than my privacy.
I’ve realized that instead of letting this situation “suck”, and instead of being silent and just giving up the fight and letting the event happen, I can use this experience for good. I have chosen to be vulnerable and relive the worst thing that has ever happened to me to use this incident as a teachable moment. Although I’d still rather they didn’t, I hope that if Chip decides to ‘expose’ the letter, it can educate people. Either way, I refuse to be ashamed. That is how strongly I feel and how confident I am in my truth.
I want people who’ve been abused in similar ways and possibly haven’t come forward to know that I understand how it feels and you’re not alone. It was not your fault and please try not to blame yourself. Also, although it’s becoming more common knowledge since #metoo, I want MORE people to understand and remember that being raped isn’t always an extremely violent attack from a stranger in an alley-way—thats actually much more rare than being sexually assaulted by a loved one. I want to raise more awareness around the fact that
1. relatively few incidents of sexual assault are reported to the police
2. Only 2 - 4% of all sexual assaults reported are false reports
3. most sexual assaults are committed by someone close to the victim, not a stranger (5)
“MYTH: Most victims of sexual assault can prevent the assault from taking place by resisting.
This is where I am going to end this. I have said all I want to say to the world. If you’d like to read more, check out part 2 where I write an open letter to Chip, Chris (both pseudonyms for a now) Brad Colwell (naming him directly because of his comments in the Vancouver Sun) and anyone else who still chooses to enable Bikram.
To everyone who took the time to read this, regardless of what opinions it leaves you with, thank you for your time. And to those who support me, it means the absolute world. From the bottom of my heart, I will forever be grateful.
Jill
Sources:
- https://www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/grooming/
- https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
- https://www.beautyafterbruises.org/what-is-cptsd
- https://amfmtreatment.com/trauma-bonding-what-is-it-and-why-do-we-do-it/
- https://www.sexassault.ca/statistics.htm
- https://www.sexassault.ca/mythsfacts.htm
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